Shallow Read online

  SHALLOW

  by Yessi Smith

  Copyright © 2018 by Yessi Smith

  All rights reserved.

  Cover Designer: Jill Sava, Love Affair With Fiction

  Editor: Eli Peters, EP Editing

  Formatting: Jill Sava, Love Affair With Fiction

  No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without the written permission of the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  For Marisol, Kiara, Alyssa, and Caitlin because you’re my favorite girls ever.

  For Denise (and Callie, Tyler and Nicole), who cares if no one (including me) can actually pronounce Sedlacek

  ? Hahaha! You’re the absolute best.

  Table of Contents

  Front Matter

  Dedication

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39

  Chapter 40

  Chapter 41

  Chapter 42

  Chapter 43

  Chapter 44

  Chapter 45

  Chapter 46

  Chapter 47

  Chapter 48

  Chapter 49

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgements

  About the Author

  Like the rumbling thunder just outside my window, chaos trembled inside my chest. Pressure from above, from within and without, built and intensified.

  “I’m sorry,” my mom said, the melody of those words was soft, yet eloquent. It was the only sign she gave that today was one of her good days.

  My dad’s eyes, as large and green as mine, bore into me as I shrugged away their apology.

  “What’s the big deal? You’re getting a divorce.” My voice came out cheerful, muting the loud cries in my mind. “People divorce all the time.”

  I shouldered my heavy book bag and walked past them with a smile I perfected long ago. Manicured fingers wrapped around my wrist, stopping me from making my quick escape.

  “It’s not like you won’t still be my parents,” I told them, placating them, keeping my guarded heart from the outside world.

  My mom’s fingers unfurled from my wrist as she dropped her hand.

  “You’ll just live in different houses, and I’ll take turns seeing you. See? Not the end of the world.”

  We’ll just lead different lives. The lies I’ve perfected will change and I’ll adjust with the same calculation I brought to everything I did. Further building the walls, brick by brick of fabricated warfare. Impenetrable. Unrecognizable.

  “I knew you’d understand, honey.”

  That understatement came from my mom. Her pale hand palmed my sun-kissed cheek, and I leaned in to it to absorb the temporary warm compassion. I didn’t know when I’d feel it next.

  The woman who carried me inside her for nine months, whose heartbeat I recognized as intimately as my own. She brought me into this world and should’ve known me better than anyone. Only she didn’t. No one did. Sometimes, I wondered if I even knew who I was.

  She kissed my forehead. Her lips pressed against my skin that at the moment felt too tight. Like I’d outgrown my own flesh and was just waiting for the scales to shed.

  Indecision crossed my dad’s face. I felt myself spinning in the vortex of his emotions. His sadness tore into me. His shame collided and began to crumble my composure. Grief stormed through my system, setting my heart ablaze. As if on cue, thunder rolled over us, making the walls tremble.

  I wondered if God himself knew this was coming. If the continuous storms of the past three days were his way of warning me. If the flashes of light breaking through the ominous clouds were his signal, telling me to brace myself.

  The worst was yet to come.

  “Are you sure?” he asked, his arms going around me, pulling me to his solid chest.

  My mom turned at the entrance of my bedroom door and waited, again, for me to reassure them. The discord gave way to the tidy calmness I knew how to embody and a serene smile spread across my face. Stepping away from his narrow frame, I pushed a long strand of blonde hair behind my ear.

  “I’m fine, Dad,” I promised, lifting on the tips of my toes, so I could plant a loud kiss on his cheek.

  He wasn’t that much taller than my five-foot, four inches, but he loved the show of his little girl standing on her toes to reach him. I guessed it made him feel like I wasn’t growing up, that I would stay his baby forever, but the truth was I wasn’t anyone’s anymore. I hadn’t been for some time. I belonged to myself, isolated on an island I’d built throughout the years.

  “I can’t be late. I’m meeting Nicole for a final cram session before our math test.”

  With long strides, I waltzed by my mom who patted my butt as I made my way out the door through the narrow hallways. Outside, I breathed in the weighted air and walked to the old Honda my parents gave me two months ago for my seventeenth birthday. Once inside, I turned the ignition over, hearing the low hum of the engine come to life. I let myself disconnect for the duration of my drive and allowed the rage to take center stage. Loud music filled every crevice of the small vehicle, making my ear drums whine. I gripped the steering wheel, knuckles whitening. I ignored the small vibration of my phone resting beside my leg, alerting me of incoming texts. I knew, as soon as I pulled my car into the school’s parking lot, I’d have to rein it all in. An hour and half, that’s all I had to myself.

  That time where I could be alone, where I could be me, was mine and I guarded it through lies. This morning was no different than the others. I had a routine and before my hike, I’d change in to the clothes and boots I pack every night. When I finished, I’d go back to my car, replace the comfortable clothes with ones that revealed only as much as I wanted others to see and head to school where I went back to being Brinley Crassus. The meticulous, yet deliberate girl my friends looked to for direction. The girl whose subdued laughter drew the right kind of attention from the students and teachers at Sedlacek

  College Preparatory High School. The girl whose GPA was above par. The girl who headed the cheer team, tutored other students and humiliated classmates to deviate negative attention from herself.

  The most popular girl in school, who was as much feared and respected as she was hated.

  The girl everyone believed had everything.

  The lie sunk below my skin and stained my blood with beautiful blends of color. Blissful shades that hid the unseen battles I’d faced. They entwined themselves around me and dressed me up in all m
y fears.

  Pulling into the muddy spot I normally parked over, I changed clothes quickly. When I pushed my door open, I stepped out of my car and in a small puddle. I jumped twice, soaking my boots. I would’ve danced in the puddle longer, but I didn’t have enough time to play. Not this time. My parents and their divorce announcement took away precious time that would’ve allowed me to linger. With my book bag carrying my most valued possessions straddled over my shoulder, I crossed the sodden path through the wooded trail and hung a left toward the unbeaten path I discovered over the summer. California natives, like the tall redwoods, lined both sides of me with the early morning rays of the sun streaming weakly through the trees. Forgotten shrubs spilled onto the muddy pathway and a few times I lost my footing as the vines tugged on my boots.

  Two miles I hiked where I lost myself even further to the static electricity of the dark heavy sky. Two miles I trudged while last night’s rain trickled through the lush leaves hanging overhead. Two miles where the scent of the looming storm pacified me.

  Two miles to the cave — my cave — while I carried what was most essential to me, I put as much distance between what I was and who I wanted to be. I crossed small creeks, crawled beneath low hanging untamed tree limbs, climbed over fallen trees and when I finally reached my destination, the weight of so many impossibilities lifted.

  I took in a greedy breath of air and let it linger in my chest before I let it out on a loud whoosh. But before I could go into my cave, a figure came out. Surprise and fear made me huddle behind a nearby bush, but I kept my eyes trained on the intruder.

  A man wearing nothing but low hanging jeans that hugged his lean waist turned in front of the mouth of the cave. He yawned, lifting his arms out wide over his head. Muscles stretched and quivered with the motion. He combed his fingers through his disheveled hair, letting me see his face. I couldn’t take my eyes off the man. No, not a man, but a boy on the brink of manhood. A boy I recognized from school. Roderick Roher. When he lifted his face to the sky, I stammered back a step, tripping over exposed roots and fell with a hard thud on a bed of wet leaves. His head snapped in my direction and I hugged my body closer to the bush and held my breath.

  He scanned the area. When his eyes zeroed in on where I hid, I rushed to my feet and ran.

  Roderick wasn’t like me. He wasn’t like the group of friends I had.

  He was a loner. Whether he was on the school’s outdoor patio or sitting on a chair in the back of the classroom, he seemed comfortable in his own skin. Completely alone, never uttering more than the necessary words to anyone who spoke to him.

  He wasn’t one to waste words and to be honest, he didn’t need them. Not when his eyes said everything he didn’t.

  A loner, but not lonely. Seemingly angry at everyone but at no one in particular. Until those heated eyes met mine. Whether it was in passing or from across ten football fields, they always told me I was the true enemy. The one who held so much unforgiveable under her skin.

  Today, it was my turn to be angry with him though. He ruined my morning routine. Without it, I didn’t know how I’d get through the day. How I’d plaster on a fake smile until night fell and I could crawl into my bed.

  I should’ve stayed. I should go back. Demand he leave my cave where the darkness infiltrated while I wrote words that set me free. Words that bled from my heart onto a blank piece of paper no one would ever read.

  But I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t risk him asking questions that would allow him or anyone else understand that side of me. So, like a coward, I fled to my car and put on the same clothes I originally dressed in this morning. I combed my damp hair and after drying my face, I touched up the makeup that would further hide me from my classmates. With my nerves rattled, I didn’t bother with the radio but instead let the silence scream through my head. Allowing everything I wanted to say pound through my veins and poison my heart.

  When I got to school, I felt worse than I had when I left the cave. I hated that he’d stolen my peace. Hated even more how I couldn’t get past it. With anxiety braiding a tight knot in my stomach, I pulled out my phone. Ignoring my text messages, I went instead to Google where I searched the symptoms for various brain disorders.

  Mania.

  Hallucinations.

  Hysteria.

  Depression.

  Violent tendencies.

  Dementia.

  I searched through every disease, every dysfunction I could find just as I’d done numerous times before. I took down notes, tried to learn as much as I could while I tried to piece it all together. It didn’t ease the growing tension, didn’t make me feel any better. In the end, I had more questions than answers. Questions neither of my parents wanted me to voice, which left me on my own to do research on a disease I knew nothing about. Not even a name.

  Letting out a long string of air, I stared forward in a daze until I spotted my friend Nicole’s sculpted figure waving from her perch on the sidewall. I readied myself. Every day was a fight I had to win because high school and the people I surrounded myself with were more like a prison than a sanctuary. Only six months separated me from graduation. I’d made it three years without anyone ever knowing me, ever getting close enough to really see me. Except for maybe Danny, who was the only friend I came close to trusting. When school was over, I would move to Los Angeles for college where I could finally unleash the girl I’d kept hidden from the world. With all the consequences that might follow, I was, after all, my mother’s daughter.

  Chestnut brown hair tumbled past Nicole’s slender shoulders, framing the delicate features of her face.

  “I’ve texted you like a thousand times!” Nicole exclaimed seconds before I even shut my door.

  Eager hands pulled me toward the bleachers that rested on the sidelines of our football field. I didn’t bother speaking, knowing she’d already rehearsed whatever urgent matter she had to tell me. Waving at a handful of kids from my class, I felt the stormy clouds from above follow me like a crown of thorns. The wind howled in my ears. Thick tendrils of hair played across my face, so I piled it up in a quick bun. With hunched shoulders, Nicole shielded herself from the oncoming storm while her hand stayed tucked in mine.

  She led us away from the school from prying eyes and meddlesome ears. The cold metal of the bleachers creaked when we sat on it and I looked past the field to the bending trees. Sinister clouds gathered closer, sudden lightning illuminating the broody day and setting the stage for the stifling atmosphere.

  “Look.” She handed me her phone to show off a picture of a pretty silver dress with light frills on the bottom. “This is it! This would be perfect for you to wear to the Fall Ball.”

  Pinching my fingers together on the screen, I made the image bigger. It was simple with a slight dip in the neckline and cinched inward at the waist so the fabric molded to the model’s figure.

  “It’s perfect,” I said, scrolling down to see the price.

  “Yep,” Nicole agreed. “Which is why as your best friend, I already made an appointment for you to try it on today after school.”

  “Shut up!” I smacked her shoulder, but the lightness faded when I saw the price.

  There was no way my parents would give me that much money for a dress, and no way any other dress could compare to this one.

  “After school,” she said, bubbling from the inside. “Skip whatever club or meeting you have and we’ll go to the boutique. Then you can help me find a dress for myself.”

  “Nicole,” A warm smile tilted my lips upward as anxiety twisted in my gut. “I can’t today. I already made plans to tutor someone at her house.” It was a lie, but I couldn’t tell her the truth. The cave had become my safe haven. I had to go back and sit in my darkened oasis, to let the words pour from me. It was the only thing that could cleanse my ugly soul.

  “We’re seniors, Brinley. It’s your last year on the Fall court. Just like every other year, you’re going to win, but this time you’ll be crowned queen.” She squealed
. “You have to look the part, so ditch whatever loser you’re tutoring and come with me.”

  This was the part of Nicole that made me keep her at arm’s length. She was one of my closest friends, but I didn’t trust her, couldn’t trust her. Not when she was so quick to belittle others. Not that I was any better.

  I ignored the tiny sprinkles of water that began to fall from the sky and dampen my skin. “I can’t today.”

  “Saturday, then?” she asked with a slight twitch of her lips. “Or are you all booked up that day too?”

  This time my smile came more natural and it took over my face. “Saturday,” I agreed. “After lunch?”

  “Hmmm…” She tapped a forefinger to her chin. “I’ll have to check my schedule. Yep, Saturday, Jacob and I have a hot date. A nooner.” She waggled her brows at me. She and the oldest twin in our group of friends had been dating off and on for close to a year. At the moment they weren’t dating, but it was during their offseason that they saw each other the most. “He’ll be done in like five minutes, so I can still meet you. I’ll call and reschedule at the boutique.”

  Laughter spilled from my lungs at the same time the sky opened up with a roaring clash of thunder. In unison, we flinched at the deafening sound and with a quick glance at one another, we ran back to school. Our feet hit the soft ground, splattering mud on our jeans, but still our moment of happiness hung over us, hiding away the charged air.

  Homeroom began with a blaring shriek of the alarm. A few of us shuffled to our desks while others stayed standing in small circles talking to one another. Mr. Fischel, our homeroom teacher, was pretty laidback and let us use our time in his room freely. He didn’t mind what we did as long as we weren’t too loud. I waved at my friends when they called my name and although I wanted to go over some last minute problems for my upcoming math test, I went to them.

  Danny held out his arms for a hug. He was one of the few friends I felt comfortable around. He was as pure as they came, was the thread that kept me together when the frayed edges threatened to come apart.

  “You’re wet,” he accused.

  “That’s what happens when you’re outside when it rains,” I teased.